There are so many events in my life that I look forward to and count down to. When I got married, when I graduated from college and even having Emma. I am a person of lists, time lines, goals and proprieties. That is how I get things done. I know how much longer Aaron has of school, when I have to send Emma to school all of those things are scheduled into my mind. But there is one countdown that I have dreaded for months now that unfortunately I have met. Aaron and I have wanted to add to our family for what seems like forever now. We have have tried unsuccessfully for now 12 months to get pregnant. And for those of you who don't know that means that we are now put in the infertile category. Several months ago when I met with my doctor he told me this and I wished harder than anything not to have to have that label, well last week I was given it. My doctor is amazing and gave me all my options and is really trying to help us. On Friday I went in for my first round of testing. I cried the whole way to the Doctors and the whole way home. I don' know why but I felt like a failure. I know I don't have any control over my body and Aaron and I have everything we knew we could but that day I knew I had no control over it.
I have talked to friends who have gone through infertile issues with sadness but never understanding what that really feels like. I think you have to go through it to know. There are many things is life I would love to have, but I feel like this is one thing that I want that is not selfish. One thing I can truely want and be sad over. I was talking to Aaron about this the other day and I told him that I feel like this is like having a major illness. It is a huge thing that nobody knows what to say to make things better so they just pretend like it is not there. Unless someone gets pregnant then I get made to feel like I am a little kid. I cant handle the happiness that is someone else's life, that I am sentenced to a life of sadness and jeoulsey
Needless to say over the past year I have gone through many emotions about this. I know that I have a wonderful little girl who I just adore and thank heavenly father for everyday. I know that I am a good mother and wife and I try very hard to be better at both. But for some reason not being able to have another child right now puts thoughts in my head that I am not worthy of another one. I know it sounds crazy I know it is not true but sadly it is there. I feel guilt that Emma doesn't have a sibling and I feel that I overcompensate for that. But I what I do know is that I have a loving father in heaven, husband and parents who have really gotten my through to this point. I have not told many people until late what has been going on because I feel it is embarrassing. In many areas of my life I am being 'lapped' brothers, friends and ward members that have children younger than me are all getting pregnant. And then I get the question "when are you going to have another" how do you answer that? But I found through telling what is going on that more comfort has come. In my patriarchal blessing I am promised sons and daughter so I know it will come, but just not on my timing. Which as we all know it such a hard thing to learn. As you can tell I am still working very hard at it!
I am sorry that this post is such a downer, but I fell I needed to write it for me. I need to tell others what I am going trough to get the help I needed to get through this. I love my husband so much but this is something he can never truely understand. us, women we sure are blessed with such an amazing thing. But here is looking forward to a year of great memories and gratitude for what ever we are given and the humility to accept the things that are not meant for us right now.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
12 months later
Posted by Aaron and Kira Adams at 9:33 PM
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18 comments:
time is a very hard thing to comprehend. I wish I could tell you something very consoling and help you out but I feel like you already know your about to face the journy with a smile. I am amazed that you still sound so positive, at least in your post. Something is in store for you and when the time is right you will know what that something is. Keep tring you never know when it might happen.
I would love to tell you that I understand what your going through but I don't, but we love you and are here for you if you ever us. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.
My prayers are with you. It can be SO hard sometimes but I hope you will continue to have faith that the Lord knows all. The hard part is realizing that his plans don't always coincide with yours/ours! I hope the testing goes well and they can find something for you.
Kira, thanks for sharing this difficult post with us. You are such an amazing person and you do so many great things. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Because I have never had children I don't think I could ever fully comprehend, but do know that I love you, your father in heaven loves you, and that you are worthy of all that love!! I know I can't say anything to take away your pain, but do know that you can call anytime you need to because I can atleast listen.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Its amazes me that this type of situation is so common, but my thought is why? Why does Heavenly Father make us forgo the outcome of this righteous desire? Why, when we are trying to do as commanded, giving His beautiful children a body and a chance to come here to earth? After experiencing all that I have lately with miscarriages and all, I have come to know a few things. First, He is all knowing- He knows, Kira! Heavenly Father is also all-loving. He doesn't do this just to watch us go through pain and sorrow. Although we don't know why at this point, and maybe not until this life is over, we can find comfort in knowing that there is a purpose and as we have faith in our trials, we will be blessed. To tell someone to just have faith seems so silly, as everyone is at a different place, experienceing different trials, but I will say that, as I know that having faith is what is getting me through my trials. Stop asking the why, and try asking Heavenly Father for the courage to accept (but not forget and move on!)this trial and how you can overcome it. (I am NOT saying to just go on, acting as though it's not happening. I am saying to ask Heavenly Father "What now? What do you want me to do?") I will continue to pray for you and your family. I know the heartache that comes with these situations, as I have several friends and family experiencing this. Have faith. Put it to use. We love you and can't wait until you get another chance to come down here where the weather is BEAUTIFUL!
Kira,
I never know who out there is going through this -- so first, I have to say is that it does get easier. Ellie came after 4 years and $20k of IVF. Then everyone just told me "oh, you'll be pregnant soon enough!!" FF 4 years later . . . yeah, no luck.
I do have some advice, though. When I worked FT in Pres. Bednar's office I was lucky enough to get a chance to talk to him about this. His son was going through the same thing and he asked Elder Eyring about it - why there are so many with the righteous desire to have children and nada.
Elder Eyring told Elder Bednar, "HF doesn't send children here for us to teach them. He sends us children for them to teach us. The lessons we learn from parenthood - patience, longsuffering, sacrifice, etc. Can all be learned through infertility." HF just chose another way to teach you those things. I know that has really helped me. I still struggle a lot, esp with all of my SILaws pregnant at the same time . . . but I just have to try to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing instead.
Only 35% of people are unexplained infertility (like me) the rest . . .it can be fixed w/drugs. Most get fixed just on Chlomid. So here's hoping for ya. If you ever have any ? or want to talk - give me a call!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time in your life. Keep your head up and a positive attitude.
Hopefully the doctors will have solutions to help you.
Take care.
I think that everyone above has covered all that I was gonna say....However, I just want you to know that I am always here for you no matter what....that is what best friends are for, right?!? You are one of the best mothers that I know and one of the best examples to me everyday:) You will get through this eventually and until then just remember that there is always a purpose to his plan!!!!
My dearest Kira,
My heart aches for you. I read your post and just started crying because I know so much of what you are going through. Even struggling wtih infertility for 4 years, I still don't know what to say. There really isn't anything that takes away the pain of the one thing you want more than anything. And you are right, it is a righteous desire, you are a worthy, amazing woman! I love you Kira. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of you, and when that day comes that a sister or brother can join Emma, you will appreciate them and love them more than words can describe. My heart, my prayers, my love go out to you. I love you dearly! You are such a beautiful woman with so many amazing talents.
I have come up with a couple of funny, cute comments that I say to people who ask, "When are you going to have a baby?" Sometimes, "I say, I don't know, but we are having fun trying!" (this is always a stunner to the older ladies in the ward!!) Sometimes I say, "I don't know. He is just like his daddy already...stubborn and doing things on his own time."
I love you dearly! If I can do anything, or you need to talk, let me know!
... I'm so sorry.. you'll get through it. When I am down or stressed or anything, I just remember to take 1 day at a time. To do otherwise is much too overwhelming.. But I wish you luck with everything!
Kira-- you and aaron are in my prayers. :) I love you
Kira,
It does seem a little unfair that you would have to go through this, especially after being able to have beautiful Emma. I love you so much, and have always been so grateful for your friendship. I know infertility has always been one of my biggest fears, so it breaks my heart that you have to go through this. I think you're right- the men don't seem to see it the same ways as women.(it had never even crossed Richard's mind) But, remember how many people love you, including your beautiful daughter. You're her hero!
Dearest Kira- In sharing these tender feelings, you have allowed your friends and family, those who love you, to understand the sorrow you are experiencing now in your life. We shall all be praying and fasting for you and Aaron, knowing that in the Lord's time you shall again concieve. How blessed you and Aaron are to have a wonderful daughter whom you can continue to nurture and teach. We love you. Mom and Dad
I can't imagine what you are going through. But I do know that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. I do know that He is aware of our every situation. And I do know that Heavenly Father has His own time clock. You and Aaron will be in our prayers!
Hi Kira,
We'll keep you in our prayers. We hope things start to go your way soon. Love ya!!
Ryan and Julie
Know that Heavenly Father knows you and your family, especially who they are, whether they come to you here, or later. I always wanted more than one, and know that Kjerstin would have loved a sibling, but I know that what I got is what I needed. My heart goes out to you, and the answer to the nosy ones only has to be whatever you are comfortable with. I chose "Heavenly Father decided to bless us with quality not quantity..." Not to take away from large families, they are wonderful too, but small families RocK too! Loves
We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I just had my first miscarriage as you know so I don't think I have anything I could say to help you. But we will definetly pray for you and your family.
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